messy messy messy. there are countless reasons, explanations and excuses i could give for the current state of my body, mind, and overall well being. i could tell you my sad story of internal struggle.
i could tell you all about how and why i ended up as depressed as i had been for the last three years.
i could blame, point fingers, and skirt responsibility... cuz believe you me, there are plenty of valid reasons that things are the way they are.... or where! but im not going to do that. very plainly, all i am willing to say is that i made mistakes that affected me both mentally and physically and now its time for recovery. this is going to be the most challenging course of action ive yet to take. the actual work really isnt all that difficult. with a little bit of will power going to the gym is no big thing. for me, thr trouble is the realization of how far away from my former self ive let myself go. part of it couldnt be helped . surgery, injuries, and so on. but knowing what i used to be capable of, and knowing that im nowhere near that same level of ability now is a jagged pill to swallow. it woulds the pride, and scars the ego. i USED to do 1500 crunches A DAY. now, i can average about 100 before i hurt. my incision stings and burns and i just cant go on. it makes me feel weak. it makes me feel ugly. it makes me feel ashamed. what i need to do is continue to remind myself that i am no longer the girl i was three years ago. not physically, and certainly not mentally. i need to remind myself that i am a new girl. with every passing day and every ounce of progress, i am being reborn. i am molding myself into the person i am now. i an sure that at some point during this journey, i will become discouraged. the changes wont happen as quickly as id like them to, my ability wont grow as fast as i feel it should. but through that discouragement i foresee a lesson learned. every day that i feel low will serve as a reminder as to why i need to continue to persevere. why i need to never allow myself to wallow as lowly as i have been for the last three years. the tao teaches us to " Deal with difficulties while they are still easy.
Hand the great while it is still small.
The difficult problems in life
Always start off being simple.
Great affairs always start off being small.
Therefore the sage never deals with the great
And is able to actualize his greatness. "
i let my problems become so big that the thought of resolving them in and of itself was able to invoke fear and hopelessness. with each passing day i will use that sadness to remind me to be in action. and to NEVER AGAIN allow my problems to grow larger than me. Day 1. wish me luck! nah, fuck that. wish me strength!
i could tell you all about how and why i ended up as depressed as i had been for the last three years.
i could blame, point fingers, and skirt responsibility... cuz believe you me, there are plenty of valid reasons that things are the way they are.... or where! but im not going to do that. very plainly, all i am willing to say is that i made mistakes that affected me both mentally and physically and now its time for recovery. this is going to be the most challenging course of action ive yet to take. the actual work really isnt all that difficult. with a little bit of will power going to the gym is no big thing. for me, thr trouble is the realization of how far away from my former self ive let myself go. part of it couldnt be helped . surgery, injuries, and so on. but knowing what i used to be capable of, and knowing that im nowhere near that same level of ability now is a jagged pill to swallow. it woulds the pride, and scars the ego. i USED to do 1500 crunches A DAY. now, i can average about 100 before i hurt. my incision stings and burns and i just cant go on. it makes me feel weak. it makes me feel ugly. it makes me feel ashamed. what i need to do is continue to remind myself that i am no longer the girl i was three years ago. not physically, and certainly not mentally. i need to remind myself that i am a new girl. with every passing day and every ounce of progress, i am being reborn. i am molding myself into the person i am now. i an sure that at some point during this journey, i will become discouraged. the changes wont happen as quickly as id like them to, my ability wont grow as fast as i feel it should. but through that discouragement i foresee a lesson learned. every day that i feel low will serve as a reminder as to why i need to continue to persevere. why i need to never allow myself to wallow as lowly as i have been for the last three years. the tao teaches us to " Deal with difficulties while they are still easy.
Hand the great while it is still small.
The difficult problems in life
Always start off being simple.
Great affairs always start off being small.
Therefore the sage never deals with the great
And is able to actualize his greatness. "
i let my problems become so big that the thought of resolving them in and of itself was able to invoke fear and hopelessness. with each passing day i will use that sadness to remind me to be in action. and to NEVER AGAIN allow my problems to grow larger than me. Day 1. wish me luck! nah, fuck that. wish me strength!
