Black and White...

and shades of Gray. I find myself in a very challenging position. As of late, the strings of my heart are being pulled quite hard by a certain someone. This situation is anything but usual for me. When it comes to relationships I'm the sort who'll jump in to the deep end with both feet first and my eyes shut.  This blissful, silliness is more often than not met with disaster very quickly. When you rush into Love two things happen... the whirlwind of emotion tends to seed, swell, and dwindle at rocket speed leaving both parties drained and used and empty by the end. and secondly, you deprive yourselves of knowing one another. As i grow older I am beginning to understand that love is in the details. It isn't as simple as some strange chemical thing that gives you butterflies. Its the glue that holds you together through the shitstorm that is the day to day. It is a conscious, logical choice to do right by one another, and a genuine, heartfelt concern for another over yourself.  Today i sat at a fountain in the middle of town and watched a pair of ducks. They were a mated pair. It was wonderful to watch them. the female had settles in, she was not being moved by the current of the water.  she was stable and still and sleeping. the male on the other hand was not so lucky. the water would sway him. he would bury his head and try to sleep, then realizing he had drifted away from his mate would scurry back to her. he would nestle in and begin to slumber only to awaken again and again in a panic at not being near her. But alas, she was still. he could scurry and flutter and fight to be near her, but for what? why did he exert all of that extra effort. she was still. she would not leave him, she would sleep and wake near him. so why did he feel the need to keep rushing back? obviously i'm projecting my own neurosis on these poor unassuming duckies. the worry of loosing this puller of strings, and my scurrying. but why? he is still. i don't know if he will be here tomorrow, bit i know that for today, he is still. and i don't need to jump in, i can choose to move forward. this is all quite new for me. i've never felt like this before. i have loved. i have been loved. but it has never felt like this. this just seems to make sense. whatever it is, wherever it may take me, i have solace in the stillness of today. maybe, if i'm lucky, with a little bit of patience and a little bit of time, i too can learn to be still. maybe, just maybe, these pretty shades of gray and black and white will keep my heart aflutter. or better yet, still.