It's a Gamble

I've never been much the gambling sort.... When I have money in my pocket I usually prefer to sped it on a yummy dinner with friends, or something shiny that'll lats me a long long time :) I am cautious and logical with my money... but unfortunately, I'm not talking about craps or blackjack. This my dear friends, is a wager of the heart. Now for those of you who know me (more specifically those of you who know me well) you're privy to the fact that I tend to be an "all or nothing' kinda gal. When it cones to love I jump in both feet first and my eyes closed. I can attest that though it be an exciting path, it is also one rattled with pain. The broken heart and I are old drinking buddies. So why would a reasonably intelligent women make such poor decisions in the way of love when she knows full well how it'll turn out in the end?! Simple really, its safer. I  choose to engage in bad relationships, with piss poor partners because after the dust settles, and the superficial pain goes away, I'm left with a few fundamental truths; 1) Logically, I knew that it was destined to fail, so I'm not really at any loss. 2) Since we weren't a proper match anyhow it makes sense that it be over. 3)  He was "more" screwed up than I was so its not my fault that it ended... "I tried, he didn't." And so on and so on... WHY?! Why would I delve into a relationship that I knew to be doomed from the start? Oh yeah, right, CAUSE THEN I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH! It leaves open a door for a fast escape. A clean get away. An end to all accountability. Again, WHY?!  The answer, because I'm a giant chickenshit. There it is ladies and gents, the truest of truths, I am a big fat fucking coward. I engage in bad relationships, with people who I know are poor matches because I'm absolutely terrified that if I really did give it my all, I would fail. I would take big love and turn it into rubbish with daily doses of self doubt, low self esteem, and an overwhelming idea that I don't deserve good things.... Why in God's name am I telling you people this? Answer, because I don't wanna do it any more. About a year ago I split from one of these doomed from the start guys. it was bad all the way around. We were together for three years and by the end I was tired, a bit broken, and had no desire what so ever to be with anyone ever again. Then boom. I met a guy who flipped my lid. After one night I was was done. I don't wanna fuck it up but I find myself starting arguments because I get scared when I'm happy. I have two voices playing in my mind, both with conflicting arguments: One tells me that hes too good for me, too cute, too smart, too kind, too handsome. that he'd be better off with someone better. That he deserves someone better. The other voice tells me that we were brought together for a reason. That the joy he whelms in my heart is something to be cherished, to be grateful for.  Obviously there are other factors, he's no saint and he's got his own set of difficulties. But we started this mess in October and it's June and he's still standing by my side. It's terrifying. I see myself wanting things with him, not from him. He challenges me to be better. Not because he ever has or ever would say that to me, but because when I'm with him I feel strong, capable, and willing. So now, if I may implore you kind readers, why in the world would i sabotage something so great? Answer, fear. Fear that I'll give him all of me and that he wont want it. That I'll open my heart, he'll walk in, take a look and run for the hills. Then again, it is June, and he's not run yet. (well, he ran a little, but he came back) I know in a previous post I mentioned investments and the concept of risk versus reward. I guess I'm at the place where I have to decide if the risk of getting hurt will be worth the benefit to reaped if things work out.  I feel like he may be the happy ending I've been waiting for. Or better, the happy beginning. So I guess all I need to do now is roll the dice and shut the hell up. It's good today, it was good yesterday, and God willing it'll be good tomorrow.... I need to remind myself that love is a marathon, not a sprint. I need to open my eyes and see the beauty of what is. And lastly I need to not miss the forest for the trees. And now, I shut up and smile <3