Conundrum

So I do try to be a good person. I give all that I've got to as many as I can.  This has been the practice for many years now. In more recent months however, I've begun to shift.  Instead of giving willingly until depleted I've started demanding reciprocation. Not demanding verbally mind you, but a decidedly clear innuendo is given. I give to someone,  though it may not be the thing I want to do, but because it is right I do it anyway. Now after the first time that you wrong me,  I smile and pretend that I didn't notice because after all,  we're all human. The second time, I smirk at the emerging pattern but continue to hope that the goodness inside of you will outweigh the vile mess that you have just presented me.  When thrice you mistake my kindness for weakness,  and thrice you trample over my generosity and patients with a steam roller I will warn you. You are now treading on thin ice.  When you express shock and disgust at me standing up for myself, not standing for your bullshit behavior, and telling you to cut the shit I laugh. Imagine that. You find me behaving like you disturbing? Go fucking figure. Now when you've realized that I can see through your fake ass and am done putting up with your shit,  (this is the part that really chaps my hide) and you threaten me,  attack my character, insinuate maliciousness on my part or in any other way insult my integrity,  I will level you. I will tear your despicable ass down so fucking fast your head will spin.  And the icing on the cake is that everyone knows why I've done it and nobody will feel sorry for you. I've done more than my fair share and you have pissed on me every step of the way.  I'm no mad though. I genuinely hope that you better yourself and become freed of this cruel existence you lead. But I'm sure as hell not going to help you anymore. I'm all out of give-a-fuck. 

Sense of humored.

There's a wicked feeling that washes over me from time to time. In the silence, the pictures begin repeating in my mind. Flashes. Flashes of the expressions on faces, looking at me oddly. Disappointed, confused, frustrated, ugly faces... Mirrors all of you. Cracked,  broked, shattered reflections of a shattered, broken, cracked person. Stabbing needles,  knives shoots of bamboo ripping into my skin shouting, yelling angry... Words. Venom. Biting, violence. Sadness, loathing, hiding. Over,  broken. Done. Done, done.  Empty. Waiting to be watered,  dry broken. Disgusting. Vile.

Problem?

Deepak Chopra says "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you're happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." Logically, I know this to be true. When one places too much weight and purpose with a person, place, or thing, one is inevitability predisposed to heartache. This, to me, is a very frustrating concept.
Though I understand it, I find it's execution impossible. I sit and ponder the thought of purposeless, reasonless happiness and quiet frankly, I call bullshit. I look around me. My home. My family. My pup. The weather. The water, the sand. Without these things, these reasons, there would be no happiness in my heart. Obviously the thought of losing these wondrous gifts saddens me, which I suppose, could be considered a problem. But when I look around me and allow the magnitude of the glory that is my life, I realize that that beauty wouldn't exist were it not for the pieces that form it. No offense to Deepak, but his words ring hallow in my ears. There's a great skill in adaptability. Being a silver lining kind of girl, being able to make the best of a bad situation is second nature to me. But through this adaptability, through all of the life that I have lead to this very point in time, I find only reaffirmation for my theory. Be happy BECAUSE of what you are given. When you are low, find good. When you are lonely, allow compassion. When you are sad, seek comfort... Just remember that the people, places, and things that offer you solace are, in and of themselves, blessings. I refuse to believe that finding happiness through my surroundings makes me any less enlightened. I will never acknowledge that if the smile on my face is there because of a specific person that it is somehow less pure than a smile just because... Maybe I am in trouble. Maybe I'm destined to lose and therefore, to hurt. Maybe, just maybe, I don't care. I'm gonna ride this smile like a wave. When it breaks, when my ride is over, and this smile fades I'll be evermore grateful for the time I spent riding it. Just for today I am a happy girl. Stay up Deepak, you can't be right all the time ;-)

Resolve

Well, here we are. The apocalypse decided to stay way another year. My carelessness must once again be laid to rest. Spending must be wrangled back in...  Life procedes, unhindered, and we all must accept that the mundane shall continue forth. So as I sit here packing away my zombie fighting gear, and contemplating my seemingly long future, I'm left to revel over the concept of the New Year's Resolution. What the ever-loving hell does that even mean? It's really awfully stupid when I think about it hard enough. Goals are a beautiful thing. Using a calendar change to procrastinate the fulfillment of those goals, not so much. But hey, to each their own! So back to me :-)  I resolve to be healthier. I don't mean going to the gym or eating better. One should do those things anyway. I will not waste time on those who do not deserve it. I will love more, fight less. Yell less. Talk less. (Hahaha who the hdck am i kidding? No I won't :) hug harder, longer, more. I will play. I will laugh. I will laugh at my mistakes. I will laugh at the concept of 'mistakes' I will tell jokes, eat food, watch movies and listen to beautiful music. I will sing. I will tell people I love them. (Even if they hate it and even if they don't love me back) I will be proud. Not cocky. Proud. I will learn the difference between the two. I will learn. I will struggle. I will cry. I will have sex. I will enjoy it. (Dog willing) I will remember to call people back. I will be the best friend I can be... I think what I'm getting at here is that though I've had to put my crossbow back in the rafters and I'm really really REALLY sad about it,  I'm overwhelmingly grateful. I guess what I'm trying to say here is this year, I will live. Happy New Year everyone.