It's a Gamble

I've never been much the gambling sort.... When I have money in my pocket I usually prefer to sped it on a yummy dinner with friends, or something shiny that'll lats me a long long time :) I am cautious and logical with my money... but unfortunately, I'm not talking about craps or blackjack. This my dear friends, is a wager of the heart. Now for those of you who know me (more specifically those of you who know me well) you're privy to the fact that I tend to be an "all or nothing' kinda gal. When it cones to love I jump in both feet first and my eyes closed. I can attest that though it be an exciting path, it is also one rattled with pain. The broken heart and I are old drinking buddies. So why would a reasonably intelligent women make such poor decisions in the way of love when she knows full well how it'll turn out in the end?! Simple really, its safer. I  choose to engage in bad relationships, with piss poor partners because after the dust settles, and the superficial pain goes away, I'm left with a few fundamental truths; 1) Logically, I knew that it was destined to fail, so I'm not really at any loss. 2) Since we weren't a proper match anyhow it makes sense that it be over. 3)  He was "more" screwed up than I was so its not my fault that it ended... "I tried, he didn't." And so on and so on... WHY?! Why would I delve into a relationship that I knew to be doomed from the start? Oh yeah, right, CAUSE THEN I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH! It leaves open a door for a fast escape. A clean get away. An end to all accountability. Again, WHY?!  The answer, because I'm a giant chickenshit. There it is ladies and gents, the truest of truths, I am a big fat fucking coward. I engage in bad relationships, with people who I know are poor matches because I'm absolutely terrified that if I really did give it my all, I would fail. I would take big love and turn it into rubbish with daily doses of self doubt, low self esteem, and an overwhelming idea that I don't deserve good things.... Why in God's name am I telling you people this? Answer, because I don't wanna do it any more. About a year ago I split from one of these doomed from the start guys. it was bad all the way around. We were together for three years and by the end I was tired, a bit broken, and had no desire what so ever to be with anyone ever again. Then boom. I met a guy who flipped my lid. After one night I was was done. I don't wanna fuck it up but I find myself starting arguments because I get scared when I'm happy. I have two voices playing in my mind, both with conflicting arguments: One tells me that hes too good for me, too cute, too smart, too kind, too handsome. that he'd be better off with someone better. That he deserves someone better. The other voice tells me that we were brought together for a reason. That the joy he whelms in my heart is something to be cherished, to be grateful for.  Obviously there are other factors, he's no saint and he's got his own set of difficulties. But we started this mess in October and it's June and he's still standing by my side. It's terrifying. I see myself wanting things with him, not from him. He challenges me to be better. Not because he ever has or ever would say that to me, but because when I'm with him I feel strong, capable, and willing. So now, if I may implore you kind readers, why in the world would i sabotage something so great? Answer, fear. Fear that I'll give him all of me and that he wont want it. That I'll open my heart, he'll walk in, take a look and run for the hills. Then again, it is June, and he's not run yet. (well, he ran a little, but he came back) I know in a previous post I mentioned investments and the concept of risk versus reward. I guess I'm at the place where I have to decide if the risk of getting hurt will be worth the benefit to reaped if things work out.  I feel like he may be the happy ending I've been waiting for. Or better, the happy beginning. So I guess all I need to do now is roll the dice and shut the hell up. It's good today, it was good yesterday, and God willing it'll be good tomorrow.... I need to remind myself that love is a marathon, not a sprint. I need to open my eyes and see the beauty of what is. And lastly I need to not miss the forest for the trees. And now, I shut up and smile <3

an interesting analogy...

a very dear friend and i were engaged in a supremely serious conversation about relationships. he, being an economist, made a statement comparing  love to  a bell curve. he said that there was nowhere to go but down. love grows and rises to a point, then peaks for a time, leaving the next phase to inevitably be a decline. a decline that continues until the love is gone and buried, or at best, no longer worth sticking around for... i found his musing rather bleak. it saddened me. i, being stuck in my 1950's time warp mentality on love and marriage and all related items found this fatalistic thought process disturbing. i am not an economist. im in investment banking. (or was) more specifically, i peddled penny stocks. if anyone knows how to deduce the value of a return, its me.
i know how to analyze the bubble. how to separate all factors of a situation and individually assign them cause and value. i told him that i don't like bell curves or his harsh analogy. i told him to look at love like a stock option. if you buy your shares at a dollar and they spike to $10 then settle back around $7, you're still a helluva lot better at $7 then you were at $1. he rebutted with a question. "what if it settles at $1.50?" my response was simple, evaluate. if you really think hard, analyze, research and truly believe that your stock wont rise any higher than that ever again, then you do what any rookie broker would do and dump the stock. you've still made a small profit and have put yourself in a position to not suffer any further losses. but if after all of your extensive research, there is even the slightest inkling that your shares may rise again, hold. the last thing you want is to dump your stock at $1.50 only to have it shoot back up to $10 in a few weeks. what could you have done with all that money? how hard would you kick yourself? Love is a gamble but it isn't as scary as some people make it out to be. when its right, its right and you'll know it. it doesn't mean that your stock wont peak and valley, it most certainly will. nobody said anything about this shit being easy. but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, if you see the potential for a high return, buy. people nowadays are so quick to say 'oh its hard i quit' people are too skittish now. they see a drop in value and they run for the hills. so few stick around long enough to see the true value of their full return. so i implore you, wholeheartedly, please close your eyes and look ahead. look forward to a time of peace and prosperity in your own life, and if any part of you can see the potential joy that will arise from keeping her there, then do it. you don't wanna be the fool that missed the bubble do you?

Back to basics.

Dreams. Wishes. Desires. Once upon a time, a long long time ago, i had a dream. Then life happened. The all encompassing, messy junk that is life. Through the disappointments and scars, the changes and growth I did what most people do. I let my dreams go. I convinced myself that those silly things that I had once longed for weren't possible. Or worse, not what i wanted. Or sadder still, not what i really wanted... Lies. Though I might not want to be a ballerina anymore, the realistic hopes and goals still dwell somewhere in my heart. What i once glanced upon with regret, I now see just off the horizon... Who of we 'Grown Ups' have not let a dream drift away? We convince ourselves that we are being logical in our changes of heart. We forget. We stop being true to ourselves. The child in me is screaming. She wants me to push forward, kicking and fighting, until my heart is satisfied. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to take the time necessary for me to grow and settle and learn. Now darnit I'm ready to make these dreams real... I deserve the happiness my heart desires. Oh yeah, so do you. Let's get it!  Semper Veritas friends. Always be true to your hearts.

Black and White...

and shades of Gray. I find myself in a very challenging position. As of late, the strings of my heart are being pulled quite hard by a certain someone. This situation is anything but usual for me. When it comes to relationships I'm the sort who'll jump in to the deep end with both feet first and my eyes shut.  This blissful, silliness is more often than not met with disaster very quickly. When you rush into Love two things happen... the whirlwind of emotion tends to seed, swell, and dwindle at rocket speed leaving both parties drained and used and empty by the end. and secondly, you deprive yourselves of knowing one another. As i grow older I am beginning to understand that love is in the details. It isn't as simple as some strange chemical thing that gives you butterflies. Its the glue that holds you together through the shitstorm that is the day to day. It is a conscious, logical choice to do right by one another, and a genuine, heartfelt concern for another over yourself.  Today i sat at a fountain in the middle of town and watched a pair of ducks. They were a mated pair. It was wonderful to watch them. the female had settles in, she was not being moved by the current of the water.  she was stable and still and sleeping. the male on the other hand was not so lucky. the water would sway him. he would bury his head and try to sleep, then realizing he had drifted away from his mate would scurry back to her. he would nestle in and begin to slumber only to awaken again and again in a panic at not being near her. But alas, she was still. he could scurry and flutter and fight to be near her, but for what? why did he exert all of that extra effort. she was still. she would not leave him, she would sleep and wake near him. so why did he feel the need to keep rushing back? obviously i'm projecting my own neurosis on these poor unassuming duckies. the worry of loosing this puller of strings, and my scurrying. but why? he is still. i don't know if he will be here tomorrow, bit i know that for today, he is still. and i don't need to jump in, i can choose to move forward. this is all quite new for me. i've never felt like this before. i have loved. i have been loved. but it has never felt like this. this just seems to make sense. whatever it is, wherever it may take me, i have solace in the stillness of today. maybe, if i'm lucky, with a little bit of patience and a little bit of time, i too can learn to be still. maybe, just maybe, these pretty shades of gray and black and white will keep my heart aflutter. or better yet, still.

The Golden Calf

Is there such a thing as knowing too much about someone? Does familiarity truly breed contempt?
I have always had a bit of a struggle with judgment. Now don't get me wrong, im not the type of person who wil pass opinions as fact. Im certainly not the type to harbor ill will or hold grudges either. What i suppose i mean is, that though i find myself in the rhelm of forward thinkers, i still hold certain 'thruths' for myself and my interactions. Some of these truths are based on my moral standing, some on my ethics, and the lot im least proud of, my ignorance and lack of understanding. Now one particular thing that i feel very strongly about is the usage of drugs and alcohol. I see them as an unnecessary faction of existence. I see their use as a crutch for the weak of heart. A bandaid on the ache of the day. Or even a cheatsheet of sorts for the socially inept. I am fully aware that this is a highly unpopular opinion. I am not innocent. In fact, i am a repeat offender. I'll just say that I'm a friend of Bill. If you know, you know. If you don't, kindly read on. I as an individual tend to gravitate towards strong people. I choose to interact with those who i respect. I seek kinship from only those who i see as enlightened, and wise. Proud people. People i wish to emulate. After all, association brings upon assimilation.  So what does one do when one of these chosen brethren shows a side that i am not particularly fond of? More specifically, when someone to whom I've lended the utmost respect and adoration informs me of fault i had not yet been privy to, does that no longer entitle them to my aforementioned adoration?!  Are they still not kind? Are they still not wise? Do they still not love me just the same as they did before? The answers are yes yes and of course. Yet why then do i find it harder to see them in the glowing light of yesterday? From before this unhappy news befell my wounded ears. Should I allow such a trivial thing to degrade the purity of my caring? Ummm i think not. Logically i know that no man is a golden calf to be haplessly respected. So why the disappointment when I'm simply reminded of their humanity? Am i so daft as to expect perfection or am i simply caught off guard when those i care for are not quite what I'd thought them to be... Again, does it matter?  No. They are still just as strong, wise, kind, and loving. And i am still just an enthralled...  just maybe a tad more cautious than i once was. After all is said and done, i believe that the assimilation bit is what gets me. I mean, if they can be great but broken, and my association will inevitably lead to my adaptation of their traits both positive and negative, where does one draw the line of acceptability? Is there a fucking line? I'm beginning not to think so. Maybe my truths are all just folly. Maybe life is comprised not of black and white, but shades of gray...  and oh how colorful gray can be...

Occupational Hazard

1) We are The People. 2)We are united... But are we? In every event involving proud, passionate people there will be volatile interaction. Where voices strive to be heard will there not always be few who shout louder than their comrades? Of course there will be! We are strong as individuals and as a unit standing in Solidarity we have the potential to be unstoppable. That is if we can get out of our own way. I am now, and have always been, and observer. And what i see at this juncture in our occupation is trouble. This is no longer a movement about the banks, or money in government. Although we still strive for change in these areas we have come to a precipice far larger and greater than just that. I believe that the Occupy Movement is one  capable of being all inclusive of any and every issue that has the capability to enhance our way of life as a world, not city, county, state or country, but world. Where one individual may place weight with labor another may place weight with gender inequality. Where one cries at the thought of war another may cry at the thought of animals being poorly treated. No one issue holds more value, or higher stature than the next. These are all problems of the masses. And we folks, are the masses. This trouble that i speak of lies within two houses; The house of ego and the house of diplomacy. Though i say two houses i really feel that they are one in the same. We are a passionate and proud lot. We are warriors in a new time forging forth for the betterment of our world and dammit we want to be heard now! But who of us are ready to listen? who of  us are ready to open our hearts to those we may see as difficult and love them into a new way of being? Im sure all will say "I" but i have seen that fewer will be ready to act. We as people stating loudly that  we are here to forge a new way seem to have difficulty letting go of the old way ourselves. When we see our brethren falter with either their behavior or their method should we not love him more for his fault? Should we not strive harder to show him the new way? Should he be abandoned? Though our ego may tell us that our rightness in the matter hold more bearing, should not our hearts remind us that we all make mistakes? I know that those who shout with anger at the misguided would beg forgiveness if the tables were turned. But our egos push and shove and devalue the unpopular insight or crass nature of another when offended. When we are the offending party we always seem to be a bit less slighted do we not? An eye for an eye leaves us both blind. If we stand to be the new world, if we strive to live a new way then we must open ourselves to forgiveness. We must demonstrate the values that we preach. We must let go the past and hold no grudges. If one cannot be spoken to in the correct manner then the speech will not be heard. In this occurrence i feel that it not be the fault of the ears, but the fault of the mouths. In order to speak rightly we must place aside our person. I as Davina have no business addressing You as Bill if we stand for unified cause. We must lay to rest our vendetta and address one another as one Occupier in Solidarity for a unified cause to another of the same beast. Until we do that folks, until we learn to live and breath the diplomacy we beg of our counterparts, we will continue to waver. We will continue to bicker like children. We will continue to weaken ourselves..... so cut the shit and stand together already!!! We is always bigger than Me. So let us act Our size.

how quickly we forget...

oh how quickly we loose ourselves in routine. we grow complacent and tired. we get cranky, we complain. we silly humans allow the jonses to tell us what to buy, the opposite sex to tell us how to feel about sexuality and/or sexyness, and our mirrors to dictate what we see in ourselves. we spend our days looking forward instead of around us. we miss the beauty of the day by distracting ourselves with tomorrow.  but what happens if there is no tomorrow? if you knew that this day would be your last what would you do? who would you call? who would you make love to? whos face would you see when you closed your eyes for the last time? would you stare up at the clouds, or wander the beach? would you wander the park with your dog or have one last dinner with your family? its a double edged sward the concept of knowing we are going to go.... i suppose the moral of this musing is this, do not be afraid. start a conversation with the hot guy at the coffee shop. ask the pretty girl for her number. play fetch with your dog. smoke. tell everyone you love them and mean it. forgive those who have wronged  you. apologize to those you have harmed. laugh. live each day as the simple blessing it be. just be. live each day with a pure heart, and a tenderness of soul. be compassionate. i may or may not know you, we may never meet or we may see each other often, i may never know your name who you are or what youre all about, but i love you. please, i beg you live before you cant.