Conundrum

So I do try to be a good person. I give all that I've got to as many as I can.  This has been the practice for many years now. In more recent months however, I've begun to shift.  Instead of giving willingly until depleted I've started demanding reciprocation. Not demanding verbally mind you, but a decidedly clear innuendo is given. I give to someone,  though it may not be the thing I want to do, but because it is right I do it anyway. Now after the first time that you wrong me,  I smile and pretend that I didn't notice because after all,  we're all human. The second time, I smirk at the emerging pattern but continue to hope that the goodness inside of you will outweigh the vile mess that you have just presented me.  When thrice you mistake my kindness for weakness,  and thrice you trample over my generosity and patients with a steam roller I will warn you. You are now treading on thin ice.  When you express shock and disgust at me standing up for myself, not standing for your bullshit behavior, and telling you to cut the shit I laugh. Imagine that. You find me behaving like you disturbing? Go fucking figure. Now when you've realized that I can see through your fake ass and am done putting up with your shit,  (this is the part that really chaps my hide) and you threaten me,  attack my character, insinuate maliciousness on my part or in any other way insult my integrity,  I will level you. I will tear your despicable ass down so fucking fast your head will spin.  And the icing on the cake is that everyone knows why I've done it and nobody will feel sorry for you. I've done more than my fair share and you have pissed on me every step of the way.  I'm no mad though. I genuinely hope that you better yourself and become freed of this cruel existence you lead. But I'm sure as hell not going to help you anymore. I'm all out of give-a-fuck. 

Sense of humored.

There's a wicked feeling that washes over me from time to time. In the silence, the pictures begin repeating in my mind. Flashes. Flashes of the expressions on faces, looking at me oddly. Disappointed, confused, frustrated, ugly faces... Mirrors all of you. Cracked,  broked, shattered reflections of a shattered, broken, cracked person. Stabbing needles,  knives shoots of bamboo ripping into my skin shouting, yelling angry... Words. Venom. Biting, violence. Sadness, loathing, hiding. Over,  broken. Done. Done, done.  Empty. Waiting to be watered,  dry broken. Disgusting. Vile.

Problem?

Deepak Chopra says "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you're happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." Logically, I know this to be true. When one places too much weight and purpose with a person, place, or thing, one is inevitability predisposed to heartache. This, to me, is a very frustrating concept.
Though I understand it, I find it's execution impossible. I sit and ponder the thought of purposeless, reasonless happiness and quiet frankly, I call bullshit. I look around me. My home. My family. My pup. The weather. The water, the sand. Without these things, these reasons, there would be no happiness in my heart. Obviously the thought of losing these wondrous gifts saddens me, which I suppose, could be considered a problem. But when I look around me and allow the magnitude of the glory that is my life, I realize that that beauty wouldn't exist were it not for the pieces that form it. No offense to Deepak, but his words ring hallow in my ears. There's a great skill in adaptability. Being a silver lining kind of girl, being able to make the best of a bad situation is second nature to me. But through this adaptability, through all of the life that I have lead to this very point in time, I find only reaffirmation for my theory. Be happy BECAUSE of what you are given. When you are low, find good. When you are lonely, allow compassion. When you are sad, seek comfort... Just remember that the people, places, and things that offer you solace are, in and of themselves, blessings. I refuse to believe that finding happiness through my surroundings makes me any less enlightened. I will never acknowledge that if the smile on my face is there because of a specific person that it is somehow less pure than a smile just because... Maybe I am in trouble. Maybe I'm destined to lose and therefore, to hurt. Maybe, just maybe, I don't care. I'm gonna ride this smile like a wave. When it breaks, when my ride is over, and this smile fades I'll be evermore grateful for the time I spent riding it. Just for today I am a happy girl. Stay up Deepak, you can't be right all the time ;-)

Resolve

Well, here we are. The apocalypse decided to stay way another year. My carelessness must once again be laid to rest. Spending must be wrangled back in...  Life procedes, unhindered, and we all must accept that the mundane shall continue forth. So as I sit here packing away my zombie fighting gear, and contemplating my seemingly long future, I'm left to revel over the concept of the New Year's Resolution. What the ever-loving hell does that even mean? It's really awfully stupid when I think about it hard enough. Goals are a beautiful thing. Using a calendar change to procrastinate the fulfillment of those goals, not so much. But hey, to each their own! So back to me :-)  I resolve to be healthier. I don't mean going to the gym or eating better. One should do those things anyway. I will not waste time on those who do not deserve it. I will love more, fight less. Yell less. Talk less. (Hahaha who the hdck am i kidding? No I won't :) hug harder, longer, more. I will play. I will laugh. I will laugh at my mistakes. I will laugh at the concept of 'mistakes' I will tell jokes, eat food, watch movies and listen to beautiful music. I will sing. I will tell people I love them. (Even if they hate it and even if they don't love me back) I will be proud. Not cocky. Proud. I will learn the difference between the two. I will learn. I will struggle. I will cry. I will have sex. I will enjoy it. (Dog willing) I will remember to call people back. I will be the best friend I can be... I think what I'm getting at here is that though I've had to put my crossbow back in the rafters and I'm really really REALLY sad about it,  I'm overwhelmingly grateful. I guess what I'm trying to say here is this year, I will live. Happy New Year everyone.

Lost

Things happen in life that you don't expect. People dart in and out of your cast of characters. Plot lines change. The beautifully tangential nature of merely existing rarely ceases to amaze. But when one finds herself at a crossroads, unsure and alone, how does she choose? Now obviously alone is a relative term. Technically, I'm not lost on an island miles away from civilization. But in the core of my heart there currently lays a gap. Not a void. Saying that I am void is inferring that something is missing. Its not. I feel now, more than ever before, a wholeness. A oneness. My time is occupied happily. I love and am loved. I am of service. Yet here sits my gap. Standing before me is a vast valley. Not just two or three paths lay wait, but thousands. I'm sure that some karmic force helps to ensure particular pairings. The catalysts in life that assist in the propelling forward of my tale. But the rest is left to me. I've spent many a long and strenuous hour attempting to avoid these choices. Placating my childish whimsy has served me well thus far. There are hundreds of fantastical stories, memories; the things that fill the pages of the biography I'm writing in my heart. Honestly, I wouldn't trade a one of them! But alas, their time is ending. No longer are days spent idled, waiting to begin. Before me lay choices. The choices that will determine the rest of my days. This is an ominous task, the deciding. Part of me, the child, wants to glide blissfully along certain that all will be well despite my efforts.(Or more honestly, my lack there of.) While the other part of me, the prideful adolescent vying for grownuphood, knows that the work must be done to ensure that my future is one worth striving towards.... There are great tasks before me. Exciting, terrifying, brilliant tasks. Through the fog of confusion I beg little of the powers that be. I pray for strength. The strength to face the tough choices with my boots on, and stomp them, ever so gently away. I pray for clarity. The ability to discern the righteous path from the path of ego and pride. Further still, I pray for peace. I hope to be sitting on a porch one day, surrounded with life's blessings, and to be filled with a surety, a contentment, a knowing that the choice I've made were the right ones .... Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it.

Family.

What is a family? Is it some nuclear unit consisting of a Mommy and Daddy and 2.5 kids plus dog and an SUV? I think not. In my few short years, my many travels, and all throughout the lessons learned, my family has grown and molded itself into a strange brew at best. I am blessed with many mothers. Women with whom I have crossed paths with. Women who, for however briefly a time, have helped to shape me into the person I am today. I have met men who have protected me, cherished me as greatly as they would their own flesh and blood. I have made friends, be it originally or secondarily through somebody else, with whom the bonds are stronger than blood. People who I would die to protect. People who would do the same for me. I have children who I did not grow in my belly, but who look to me as their protector. The ebb and flow of this curious dance of life always keeps me on my toes. Very recently, I was shown a path that I hadn't planned on. There was someone which I was certain would be part of my life forever. Sometimes who I became so close to that I couldn't imagine a day passing without them in it. Then, one day, we parted. It wasn't easy. It definitely wasn't pretty. But it is EXACTLY what it should be. This one person may not have fulfilled the roll in my life I once thought they would, but they did me one better. He acted as a catalyst. He showed me things I'd never have seen. Taught me to appreciate things that I never thought I could. But what's more, he made my family grow. (NO he didn't knock me up!) Without the time we spent together I would not have met dozens of people who I now know as friends. Better still, I wouldn't know people who are now my family. It is a rag tag bunch. There's a crazy hippy lady who owns a coffee shop in the woods up north. There's a tattoo artist in New York. A marine in Texas. A street musician down the street. A child who called me mamma. A computer programmer in Vegas. Even a carpenter in Manchester. These people may not be blood, but when I hurt they comfort me. When I become discouraged, they encourage me. When I celebrate they are there to share my joy. Removing any one person from this web would be like losing a brother, a sister, like losing blood. Without them my life would be lacking. Though I know not what the future holds, how long I will be blessed with knowing them, what I know for sure is this: Sometimes, water IS thicker than blood. And for that, I am sincerely grateful.

time to let go, ans start over.

messy messy messy. there are countless reasons, explanations  and excuses i could give for the current state of my body, mind, and overall well being. i could tell you my sad story of internal struggle.
i could tell you all about how and why i ended up as depressed as i had been for the last three years.
i could blame, point fingers, and skirt responsibility... cuz believe you me, there are plenty of valid reasons that things are the way they are.... or where! but im not going to do that. very plainly, all i am willing to say is that i made mistakes that affected me both mentally and physically and now its time for recovery. this is going to be the most challenging course of action ive yet to take. the actual work really isnt all that difficult. with a little bit of will power going to the gym is no big thing. for me, thr trouble is the realization of how far away from my former self ive let myself go. part of it couldnt be helped . surgery, injuries, and so on. but knowing what i used to be capable of, and knowing that im nowhere near that same level of ability now is a jagged pill to swallow. it woulds the pride, and scars the ego. i USED to do 1500 crunches A DAY. now, i can average about 100 before i hurt. my incision stings and burns and i just cant go on. it makes me feel weak. it makes me feel ugly. it makes me feel ashamed. what i need to do is continue to remind myself that i am no longer the girl i was three years ago. not physically, and certainly not mentally. i need to remind myself that i am a new girl. with every passing day and every ounce of progress, i am being reborn. i am molding myself into the person i am now. i an sure that at some point during this journey, i will become discouraged. the changes wont happen as quickly as id like them to, my ability wont grow as fast as i feel it should. but through that discouragement i foresee a lesson learned. every day that i feel low will serve as a reminder as to why i need to continue to persevere. why i need to never allow myself to wallow as lowly as i have been for the last three years. the tao teaches us to  " Deal with difficulties while they are still easy.
Hand the great while it is still small. 
The difficult problems in life
Always start off being simple.
Great affairs always start off being small.
Therefore the sage never deals with the great
And is able to actualize his greatness. " 
i let my problems become so big that the thought of resolving them in and of itself was able to invoke fear and hopelessness. with each passing day i will use that sadness to remind me to be in action. and to NEVER AGAIN allow my problems to grow larger than me. Day 1. wish me luck! nah, fuck that. wish me strength!