Problem?

Deepak Chopra says "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you're happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." Logically, I know this to be true. When one places too much weight and purpose with a person, place, or thing, one is inevitability predisposed to heartache. This, to me, is a very frustrating concept.
Though I understand it, I find it's execution impossible. I sit and ponder the thought of purposeless, reasonless happiness and quiet frankly, I call bullshit. I look around me. My home. My family. My pup. The weather. The water, the sand. Without these things, these reasons, there would be no happiness in my heart. Obviously the thought of losing these wondrous gifts saddens me, which I suppose, could be considered a problem. But when I look around me and allow the magnitude of the glory that is my life, I realize that that beauty wouldn't exist were it not for the pieces that form it. No offense to Deepak, but his words ring hallow in my ears. There's a great skill in adaptability. Being a silver lining kind of girl, being able to make the best of a bad situation is second nature to me. But through this adaptability, through all of the life that I have lead to this very point in time, I find only reaffirmation for my theory. Be happy BECAUSE of what you are given. When you are low, find good. When you are lonely, allow compassion. When you are sad, seek comfort... Just remember that the people, places, and things that offer you solace are, in and of themselves, blessings. I refuse to believe that finding happiness through my surroundings makes me any less enlightened. I will never acknowledge that if the smile on my face is there because of a specific person that it is somehow less pure than a smile just because... Maybe I am in trouble. Maybe I'm destined to lose and therefore, to hurt. Maybe, just maybe, I don't care. I'm gonna ride this smile like a wave. When it breaks, when my ride is over, and this smile fades I'll be evermore grateful for the time I spent riding it. Just for today I am a happy girl. Stay up Deepak, you can't be right all the time ;-)

Resolve

Well, here we are. The apocalypse decided to stay way another year. My carelessness must once again be laid to rest. Spending must be wrangled back in...  Life procedes, unhindered, and we all must accept that the mundane shall continue forth. So as I sit here packing away my zombie fighting gear, and contemplating my seemingly long future, I'm left to revel over the concept of the New Year's Resolution. What the ever-loving hell does that even mean? It's really awfully stupid when I think about it hard enough. Goals are a beautiful thing. Using a calendar change to procrastinate the fulfillment of those goals, not so much. But hey, to each their own! So back to me :-)  I resolve to be healthier. I don't mean going to the gym or eating better. One should do those things anyway. I will not waste time on those who do not deserve it. I will love more, fight less. Yell less. Talk less. (Hahaha who the hdck am i kidding? No I won't :) hug harder, longer, more. I will play. I will laugh. I will laugh at my mistakes. I will laugh at the concept of 'mistakes' I will tell jokes, eat food, watch movies and listen to beautiful music. I will sing. I will tell people I love them. (Even if they hate it and even if they don't love me back) I will be proud. Not cocky. Proud. I will learn the difference between the two. I will learn. I will struggle. I will cry. I will have sex. I will enjoy it. (Dog willing) I will remember to call people back. I will be the best friend I can be... I think what I'm getting at here is that though I've had to put my crossbow back in the rafters and I'm really really REALLY sad about it,  I'm overwhelmingly grateful. I guess what I'm trying to say here is this year, I will live. Happy New Year everyone.

Lost

Things happen in life that you don't expect. People dart in and out of your cast of characters. Plot lines change. The beautifully tangential nature of merely existing rarely ceases to amaze. But when one finds herself at a crossroads, unsure and alone, how does she choose? Now obviously alone is a relative term. Technically, I'm not lost on an island miles away from civilization. But in the core of my heart there currently lays a gap. Not a void. Saying that I am void is inferring that something is missing. Its not. I feel now, more than ever before, a wholeness. A oneness. My time is occupied happily. I love and am loved. I am of service. Yet here sits my gap. Standing before me is a vast valley. Not just two or three paths lay wait, but thousands. I'm sure that some karmic force helps to ensure particular pairings. The catalysts in life that assist in the propelling forward of my tale. But the rest is left to me. I've spent many a long and strenuous hour attempting to avoid these choices. Placating my childish whimsy has served me well thus far. There are hundreds of fantastical stories, memories; the things that fill the pages of the biography I'm writing in my heart. Honestly, I wouldn't trade a one of them! But alas, their time is ending. No longer are days spent idled, waiting to begin. Before me lay choices. The choices that will determine the rest of my days. This is an ominous task, the deciding. Part of me, the child, wants to glide blissfully along certain that all will be well despite my efforts.(Or more honestly, my lack there of.) While the other part of me, the prideful adolescent vying for grownuphood, knows that the work must be done to ensure that my future is one worth striving towards.... There are great tasks before me. Exciting, terrifying, brilliant tasks. Through the fog of confusion I beg little of the powers that be. I pray for strength. The strength to face the tough choices with my boots on, and stomp them, ever so gently away. I pray for clarity. The ability to discern the righteous path from the path of ego and pride. Further still, I pray for peace. I hope to be sitting on a porch one day, surrounded with life's blessings, and to be filled with a surety, a contentment, a knowing that the choice I've made were the right ones .... Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it.

Family.

What is a family? Is it some nuclear unit consisting of a Mommy and Daddy and 2.5 kids plus dog and an SUV? I think not. In my few short years, my many travels, and all throughout the lessons learned, my family has grown and molded itself into a strange brew at best. I am blessed with many mothers. Women with whom I have crossed paths with. Women who, for however briefly a time, have helped to shape me into the person I am today. I have met men who have protected me, cherished me as greatly as they would their own flesh and blood. I have made friends, be it originally or secondarily through somebody else, with whom the bonds are stronger than blood. People who I would die to protect. People who would do the same for me. I have children who I did not grow in my belly, but who look to me as their protector. The ebb and flow of this curious dance of life always keeps me on my toes. Very recently, I was shown a path that I hadn't planned on. There was someone which I was certain would be part of my life forever. Sometimes who I became so close to that I couldn't imagine a day passing without them in it. Then, one day, we parted. It wasn't easy. It definitely wasn't pretty. But it is EXACTLY what it should be. This one person may not have fulfilled the roll in my life I once thought they would, but they did me one better. He acted as a catalyst. He showed me things I'd never have seen. Taught me to appreciate things that I never thought I could. But what's more, he made my family grow. (NO he didn't knock me up!) Without the time we spent together I would not have met dozens of people who I now know as friends. Better still, I wouldn't know people who are now my family. It is a rag tag bunch. There's a crazy hippy lady who owns a coffee shop in the woods up north. There's a tattoo artist in New York. A marine in Texas. A street musician down the street. A child who called me mamma. A computer programmer in Vegas. Even a carpenter in Manchester. These people may not be blood, but when I hurt they comfort me. When I become discouraged, they encourage me. When I celebrate they are there to share my joy. Removing any one person from this web would be like losing a brother, a sister, like losing blood. Without them my life would be lacking. Though I know not what the future holds, how long I will be blessed with knowing them, what I know for sure is this: Sometimes, water IS thicker than blood. And for that, I am sincerely grateful.

time to let go, ans start over.

messy messy messy. there are countless reasons, explanations  and excuses i could give for the current state of my body, mind, and overall well being. i could tell you my sad story of internal struggle.
i could tell you all about how and why i ended up as depressed as i had been for the last three years.
i could blame, point fingers, and skirt responsibility... cuz believe you me, there are plenty of valid reasons that things are the way they are.... or where! but im not going to do that. very plainly, all i am willing to say is that i made mistakes that affected me both mentally and physically and now its time for recovery. this is going to be the most challenging course of action ive yet to take. the actual work really isnt all that difficult. with a little bit of will power going to the gym is no big thing. for me, thr trouble is the realization of how far away from my former self ive let myself go. part of it couldnt be helped . surgery, injuries, and so on. but knowing what i used to be capable of, and knowing that im nowhere near that same level of ability now is a jagged pill to swallow. it woulds the pride, and scars the ego. i USED to do 1500 crunches A DAY. now, i can average about 100 before i hurt. my incision stings and burns and i just cant go on. it makes me feel weak. it makes me feel ugly. it makes me feel ashamed. what i need to do is continue to remind myself that i am no longer the girl i was three years ago. not physically, and certainly not mentally. i need to remind myself that i am a new girl. with every passing day and every ounce of progress, i am being reborn. i am molding myself into the person i am now. i an sure that at some point during this journey, i will become discouraged. the changes wont happen as quickly as id like them to, my ability wont grow as fast as i feel it should. but through that discouragement i foresee a lesson learned. every day that i feel low will serve as a reminder as to why i need to continue to persevere. why i need to never allow myself to wallow as lowly as i have been for the last three years. the tao teaches us to  " Deal with difficulties while they are still easy.
Hand the great while it is still small. 
The difficult problems in life
Always start off being simple.
Great affairs always start off being small.
Therefore the sage never deals with the great
And is able to actualize his greatness. " 
i let my problems become so big that the thought of resolving them in and of itself was able to invoke fear and hopelessness. with each passing day i will use that sadness to remind me to be in action. and to NEVER AGAIN allow my problems to grow larger than me. Day 1. wish me luck! nah, fuck that. wish me strength!

Drowning ...

So theres this flood. There's a man and his dog on a rooftop. A boat floats by and offers the man rescue but he loudly proclaims that his god will protect and save him as he shoes the boat away. Then a helicopter comes, same thing. The man clings stubbornly to his rooftop, and his belief that he will be saved without the help of the passers by. Then comes a man with a canoe, the dog swims to safety and the man is left alone, drowning. Once in heaven the man asks god why he was not saved, god laughs at the silly, stubborn man and reminds him of the boat, helicopter, and canoe....  sometimes we loose sight of the forest for the trees. Sometimes we have to let go of people in our lives because they are too daft to appreciate us being there. Today is one of those days for me. It hurts. Maybe nobody explained to him that if you neglect a woman physically, and toy with her emotionally, that though she may tolerate it for a time in hopes that you will pull your head out of your ass and acknowledged how awesome she is and how important she is in your life and everything that she could offer you and and and.... breath .... breath .... though she may wait in hope for a while, eventually that hope will be dashed. And she will go. You can only push people so far before they stop trying to come back. I'm done trying to break through walls only to find new walls. Im tired. I give up. Moving on. Maybe next time you should get into the blasted boat dumbass.

It's a Gamble

I've never been much the gambling sort.... When I have money in my pocket I usually prefer to sped it on a yummy dinner with friends, or something shiny that'll lats me a long long time :) I am cautious and logical with my money... but unfortunately, I'm not talking about craps or blackjack. This my dear friends, is a wager of the heart. Now for those of you who know me (more specifically those of you who know me well) you're privy to the fact that I tend to be an "all or nothing' kinda gal. When it cones to love I jump in both feet first and my eyes closed. I can attest that though it be an exciting path, it is also one rattled with pain. The broken heart and I are old drinking buddies. So why would a reasonably intelligent women make such poor decisions in the way of love when she knows full well how it'll turn out in the end?! Simple really, its safer. I  choose to engage in bad relationships, with piss poor partners because after the dust settles, and the superficial pain goes away, I'm left with a few fundamental truths; 1) Logically, I knew that it was destined to fail, so I'm not really at any loss. 2) Since we weren't a proper match anyhow it makes sense that it be over. 3)  He was "more" screwed up than I was so its not my fault that it ended... "I tried, he didn't." And so on and so on... WHY?! Why would I delve into a relationship that I knew to be doomed from the start? Oh yeah, right, CAUSE THEN I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH! It leaves open a door for a fast escape. A clean get away. An end to all accountability. Again, WHY?!  The answer, because I'm a giant chickenshit. There it is ladies and gents, the truest of truths, I am a big fat fucking coward. I engage in bad relationships, with people who I know are poor matches because I'm absolutely terrified that if I really did give it my all, I would fail. I would take big love and turn it into rubbish with daily doses of self doubt, low self esteem, and an overwhelming idea that I don't deserve good things.... Why in God's name am I telling you people this? Answer, because I don't wanna do it any more. About a year ago I split from one of these doomed from the start guys. it was bad all the way around. We were together for three years and by the end I was tired, a bit broken, and had no desire what so ever to be with anyone ever again. Then boom. I met a guy who flipped my lid. After one night I was was done. I don't wanna fuck it up but I find myself starting arguments because I get scared when I'm happy. I have two voices playing in my mind, both with conflicting arguments: One tells me that hes too good for me, too cute, too smart, too kind, too handsome. that he'd be better off with someone better. That he deserves someone better. The other voice tells me that we were brought together for a reason. That the joy he whelms in my heart is something to be cherished, to be grateful for.  Obviously there are other factors, he's no saint and he's got his own set of difficulties. But we started this mess in October and it's June and he's still standing by my side. It's terrifying. I see myself wanting things with him, not from him. He challenges me to be better. Not because he ever has or ever would say that to me, but because when I'm with him I feel strong, capable, and willing. So now, if I may implore you kind readers, why in the world would i sabotage something so great? Answer, fear. Fear that I'll give him all of me and that he wont want it. That I'll open my heart, he'll walk in, take a look and run for the hills. Then again, it is June, and he's not run yet. (well, he ran a little, but he came back) I know in a previous post I mentioned investments and the concept of risk versus reward. I guess I'm at the place where I have to decide if the risk of getting hurt will be worth the benefit to reaped if things work out.  I feel like he may be the happy ending I've been waiting for. Or better, the happy beginning. So I guess all I need to do now is roll the dice and shut the hell up. It's good today, it was good yesterday, and God willing it'll be good tomorrow.... I need to remind myself that love is a marathon, not a sprint. I need to open my eyes and see the beauty of what is. And lastly I need to not miss the forest for the trees. And now, I shut up and smile <3