The End Of An Era...

The Beginning Of The Next Life. As anyone who's ever gone through a bad break-up can tell you, it takes time, support, and a whole lotta love from friends and family to truly move on.But what do you do when you have all of those things, and you still just cant move on? How does one "Move On"... When I was very very young i met a boy. He was the prettiest boy I'd ever seen up close. He had a mowhawk and the most perfect blue eyes with little yellow sunflowers in them. I loved him. We were together for a year, and then it ended as most youthful romances do. It was a decision made for logistical purposes, partnered by family pressure. It didn't matter why, it was over, and i was not ready for it to be. It took me about 6 months to go out on another date, and over a year before i stopped crying over the loss of him. What i felt for him was as true a love as there had ever been, twice as strong, and it was not going to go quietly away. Every guy i dated after him was somehow compared to him in my mind. Be it subtle similarities, or overtly shared traits, this man was the measuring stick to which i ruled upon all others. It stayed that way for the better part of a decade. Now I do realize that this is not exactly normal, and it most defiantly isn't healthy. But regardless, it was the way i did things.... desperately clinging to the memory of something that was trying to relive or re-kindle it. Now in my defense, it wasnt a straight ten years of nostalgia. He made the occasional re-appearance into my life, staying just long enough to remind me why i loved him so, then leaving again and reminding me of all the sadness and void that there once was renewed and stronger than ever. Not only bad came from our to and fro dance of in and out of love. He is responsible for the life of my son.   He gave me the most valuable gift that ever was, and i will always love him for that. Last week, keeping in step with our annual waltz, he and i got together for dinner. Though the familiarity he lends is always a comfort, the spark that i was sure would never die had simply fizzled away. The traits i once found enthralling now rubbed me like a poorly cared for wool sweater.The eyes were the same, still magnetic and enticing, but the tingles in the pit of my stomach were simply gone. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!? What on earth had changed so drastically?! In short, me. I just wasnt that girl anymore. Not long ago, while i was in a place of contentment within myself, i was lucky enough to meet someone that evoked in me all of the love that i had thought lost.  He reminded me nothing of this mythical character from my memories. He, standing next to my measuring stick, overpowered it. It was a chance meeting at least, and a turn of fate at best. I was in Santa Ana staying yet another long, cold night at the Occupy. The others had all decided to go off and gallivant through town, leaving only myself, and one other hold down the fort. Then my life changed. A tall, well built man approached the site. He had a harsh expression of skepticism and an attitude that reeked of ego. In a stern, but soft voice he stated simply "I've got questions." My counterpart, wishing to go and join in the festivities wit the others quickly pointed to me and remarked "Talk to her." being in a somewhat foul mood i was all the ready for the debate that this individual was looking to get into. My gun was cocked and loaded with all of the knowledge i needed to respond to all of his questions, and argue all of his doubts away. There's really nothing like a good debate when you're having a bad day. It allows one to expel their tension while stimulating the mind enough to get those endorphins going...thus turning that frown, upside-down haha. We commenced. It was the most beautiful debate i had ever participated in. It was like a dance. Each persons argument flowing seamlessly with the next, each word foreplay. The next thing i new an hour had passed. He decided to stay. The others eventually returned and he melded into the group like he had been there for ages... fast forward to today... My phone rang early which woke me from the sound sleep i had been in. I received some good news and decided to share it with my handsome debate partner from earlier in my tale. He stopped over to see me. The tingly feelings are stronger today than they have ever been. The kisses sweeter and still potent enough to steal my breath. When he kisses me i go weak in the knees and my mind becomes fuzzy. I'm dizzy. There is a calm comfort when im with him. The gentle way he holds me rivals the warmest of blankets. We laugh until our cheeks sting and our bellies hurt. he has helped me to see the good in myself. When he looks at me he does so with such intensity that i fell as though i am the only girl in his world. He is everything i ever wanted in a partner. Oh how silly was i to hold onto the past for so long.... Oh how lucky am i that i chose to release it just in time. Its funny how things work out. I;m happy that the old era gave me all of the joy and pain that it did. It helped to shape me into the person i am today. The person that is the perfect match, for my perfect match.... this new chapter looks to be a promising one. 

An Interesting Predicament.

Have you ever prayed for something so hard that you begged the heavens? You just knew that if the powers that be granted your wish that all would be right with the world. Your dreams would all come true and you would be blessed with the proverbial Happily Ever After. You know that if things went your way you could be happy. And then they dont. Your wish goes ungranted, your prayer unanswered,  your dream is only that. Its funny though isnt it? you spend so much energy being so certain of something that never was... or that could not be. After a while, something strange begins to occur. your thoughts shift, your wishes take on new form, and your life actually goes on! you manage to find a way to move past the nagging could be's and shoulda beens. you put on your big girl panties and you move on. well, usually. i had a wish once, i knew if it came true that all would be right with the world  and i too could be truly happy. i spent years agonizing over what was, what wasnt, and worst, what went wrong. this particular problem was a reoccurring one. the universe continually allowed me to be placed in a position to clearly see the lack of 'moving on' that had taken place. i was the same, i loved just as strongly as i ever had that wish i once made. i spun and floundered and tossed about lost and lacking yearning for this dream to come true. and then, once i had accepted that i was fated to be left unfulfilled, something happened that was stranger still; the dynamic had shifted just so, that i was the one freed of wanting, and the wish desired me. i had grown. my wishes had taken on new form, and i no longer prayed for the silly plot line i once had. i came to a place of contentment. of peace. of closure. the dream was not as shiny as id remembered it. the details, though familiar, just no longer quite felt like home. i dwell in a new dream now. one far more beautiful than anything i had once thought possible, let alone deserved. and oh how disappointed i would be today had i been strapped down to the tarnished brass story i had so long clung to. the glow of what lies ahead wouldnt be available for capture had i remained bogged with the weight of the past. time to move forward...life is waiting.

Home.

What makes a home? Is it the walls, or the portraits on them? Is it the town or the people in it? It's all subjective really. That old saying Home Is Where The Heart Is comes to mind. But what does it really mean? For me, It's quite simple. My home lies in my memories. It's not so much a place, but a place in time. Home is the gray couch coushion that i used to build my fort. Home is the white stuffed bunny with the soft pink nose. Home is the rush i felt with our first kiss and the sadness i still feel knowing that we won't share more of them. It is the pulse of my subconscious. The images i see when I close my eyes and the lacking i feel with their fading away as i open them. Being someone who has moved around alot, state to state, city to city, i find it challenging growing attached to a house. It has always seemed a tad bit unnecessary to me. Im not saying I don't understand why certain people lend so much weight and value to a house. Now that i own one ive gathered that It's the idea of this house that i love.  the fantasy of it. closing my eyes and envisioning a family, and a future. growing old here. but if it were to burn down tomorrow, though i would be sad for my lost things, i would not be homeless. i dont believe that someone who is loved can be homeless. ive had my fair share of sleeping outside. on couches. in storage units. etc. but i have never been homeless. i have been a traveler. every city ive stayed i has been my home. every bush in which i laid was my house. every other traveler my family.i had no issue leaving and starting anew elsewhere. when i got to laguna i felt something a tad bit different. there were people there who i grew to love. i grew to love them so much that i chose to stay there. i made real friends. had real relationships. i grew. ive found that as i grew and changed and matured in that city the attachment for the place grew stronger. it wasnt the beach or even the people, it was the memories that i was forming. the life that i had there..the day that cowboy died i think is the day that i lost the will to stay.i knew it would never be the same. that followed by the end of the three year relationship i had in that city made me not want to go back. i would go weeks without going into town, then months.

this brings me to part 2. You Can't Go Home Again. I was in Laguna on friday. Hugging old friends, walking old haunts, and reminiscing. I had a great day but it just wasn't quite the same. In fact, it was almost disappointing. The beauty of that place lives in my head. Every time i go back and don't see Rich and Jared and Brock and.Paul and Frankie on the sand on a blanket: every time i pass by my old place. When i sit on the. Patio of Starbucks and there's not a familiar face in sight, i am reminded that this place is no longer mine. A new crew will now take over the territory and we have all been scattered to the wind to follow our own paths. But while i sit in bed in my new city, and think back on the place that added so many perfect chapters to my story, it still feels like home. No more my home than the house in which i now dwell, but certainly no less. so i guess i was wrong about part 2. you can go home again, even if only in your mind.

stuck

for the last three days ive been trying to write a piece on Home. im having a bit of trouble. im not sure whether its the concept itself that has me at a stalemate, or the fact that ive got far more pressing issues reeling in my mind and taking up too much space to allow others to form. its probably the later. i recently went through a very wrenching breakup. he was the kind of man that made me have faith in men again. he didnt always say or do the right thing, in fact, more often than not he said the wrong thing. it wasnt that he looked good, or smelled good(which he did. very good.) it wasnt the cheesy grin when he told a bad joke or the hard persona covering a marshmellow core. it was the whole of him. it was the way he looked at me when he was leaving in the morning. the way he held me. the way he kissed me. when he kissed me my whole world stopped. i grew dizzy and weak in the knees. it was the plans that we had made together. it was the child that we wanted to raise together. i have truly loved two men. ive had relationships with far more than two, but i never felt what i felt for the two. the first was when i was 16. he was my world, and i dont think i will ever really get over him. the second came as a shock to say the least. i had reached a place where i had decided that i was done with love. i didnt want to fall i love any more, every again. i was content with the idea of being alone. then he came.  he was a shot of life. he made my brain tingle. he was smart, sweet and sexy. he was everything id ever wanted in a man, lest the awful taste in music. he wasnt perfect. he was perfectly imperfect. and i love him. our love was real. and strong and true. it was the thing movies are made of, and novels written about. it ended because it had to not because we wanted it to. the lives wed lived before each other were not about to allow us to leave them to start again. circumstances being what they were we knew we had to part. i have never felt so empty. but even though i dont get to be with him now, there is a big part of me that thinks one day we will be whole again. until then, ill have to forge forth through the pain. the haze of lacking that has become my day to day. until then, i will live this half life. a body without a heart. a mind stuck elsewhere...

Its Better To Have Loved And Lost....

Than Never To Have Loved At All.... Ive been hearing that quote for as long as i can remember. In fact, im almost certain that everyone everywhere has heard some version or another of it at least once in their lives. Its the go to guy when someone you know is hurting after some form of romantic loss. The beauty of its simplicity and hope never seems to let me down. Be it loss from death, breakup, a nonreciprocating crush, or whatever else may be plaguing your heartstrings, this quote is all inclusive. I know as one who has used it in a sad attempt to comfort friends and loved ones, that the intention when saying it is pure. I just want to let you know that in time, everything will be ok again and that this pain will pass. But when on the receiving end of this gesture, it rings through the ears like nails on a chalk board. The first response that comes to mind when im the one being 'comforted' is "Oh Yeah? TRY IT!" The audacity! Do you have any idea how bad this hurts?! Unfortunately most people do know how it feels to be brokenhearted. This sad state we all live in nowadays is not what one would call cohesive for the blooming bud of romantic love. This is a time of instant gratification. A time where a shiny new toy is always better than a comfortable old shoe. And lets face it, the sparks only go so far before youre left with the reality of the person youre with. But when you are lucky enough to push through the throng of bullshit working against romantic joy, and you find somebody who works with your mind body heart and soul, it finally feels like all is right with the world. Then you loose them. Thats when things really get tough. It feels like youve lost a limb. The air becomes too dense to breath into your lungs, it feels like youre drowning. Time both speeds up and stops all together. Your heart is physically pained. Existence as you know it has been halted and you are left haunted by sinister questions like what now? what went wrong? and the dreaded why? In this rush and flurry of emotion that has your poor head reeling and your eyes welling, little, if anything can calm the storm.  I know this from personal experience how this wretched awful mess feels. But luckily, i also know that time does truly heal all wounds. eventually the air becomes breathable again. Your body no longer aches with longing, your heart has again righted itself. Though the questions and what ifs may remain, they no longer nag you like they once did.
 One day, youll wake up and they wont be the first thought you have. Later youll lay down to sleep and they wont be your last thought either. You will have walked through a hurricane and come out the other side better for it. You will be stronger, and god willing a little more savvy. You will have gained fond memories, and thickened skin. The disaster itself will have helped you to grow as a person if you allow it to do so. So all hasnt been for naught. So again, It Is Better To Have Loved And Lost Than Never To Have Loved At All. A simple phrase. A severely ambitious statement. For these simple words have the foresight to see the better you that will arise this grieving like a pheonix. Even if you cant afford the same foresight yourself. Live.  Fall in love. Fall down so hard that your knees are bloodied and your palms are sore. Leap into it with both feet first and eyes closed. Trust like youve never been lied to. Believe in fairy tales like you did when you were young. One day, if you have a little faith, and an open heart, someone will come along who will see your baggage as a gift, your scars as beauty marks. They wont be someone, theyll be The One. And who knows, maybe without the heartbreaks youve forged forth, they wont find you as perfect as im certain they will..... 

The Great Purge.

Ok, admittedly not the most tempting of titles. I'll implore you to forgive it. Today marked the beginning of a great mission. A mission of extreme importance, and overwhelming difficulty. Today a began to purge myself of the excess shit that is plaguing my home, and my sanity. I, like most that i know, have a deep fondness for junk. Be it the antique lamp, or the decorative pillow, or the jeans that havent fit me in a year that i hold onto just in case because i know ill never find  a pair just like them and i know ill be that thin again at some point in the near future, and.... blah blah blah! Shit, junk, clutter, the heck with it all. One question started this whole process and if all goes to plan, then by the end of this journey ill have my answer.  What am i compensating for? Why do i feel the need to collect? To fill the empty spaces on my dressers, to fill my cabinets and drawers? What void am i really filling with all of this superficial malarkey? the obvious answer is that i, like almost everyone else, have fallen victim to the harsh reality of a consumer driven society dead set on making us all believe that more is more and the more you got the better you are. Now logically i know that to be false. But some part of me is still afraid to let go. WAS afraid to let go. Not any more. Today was just day one, and im not saying its going to be easy to relinquish these ties, but it will get done. i have a calm certainty that when i have hacked through the clutter that is fogging my home, that the clutter fogging my mind will also be cleared away..... now that will be a good day :) im ready to let go..... starting now.

You Cant Always Get What You Want...

But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Now aint that some shit?! what type of cruel world is this where i dont always get my way?! i mean me, of all people! dont you know who i am?! entitlement is a strange beast. it can doop you into believing that you deserve something more than you do. are worthy of a life far better than the one youve got. and on rare occasion even convince you that the universe is dead wrong for not giving it to you. but why? why dont i get to be the master and commander of my ship of prosperity? or do i? ive been thinking with weighted soul about the simple facts of life as of late. the strange laws that seem to govern us. the strange feelings that move us. the things we truly believe we want and do not acquire... i was beginning to delve into a place of darkness thinking about how different my life could be if i only got to be the boss.... then it dawned on me, if i were the boss this ship would have capsized long long ago... theres a very wise woman i knew once who used to say that every step we take in life is simply one more stone on the path to where we are truly supposed to be. and for a long time i thought i understood what she meant, i thought she was telling me that even when i fell upon unsure footing, that my desiny was written and the universe would make sure i would still reach my proper destination. but now, im beginning to see things a bit clearer. now i believe her words to imply that these steps, even the unsure or misjudged ones are the destination. and that the place im supposed to be is here, now.and though i may be able to steer this vesil of mine in a particular direction, i am only just a speck in this journey. my path may be great or small; my choices brave or ripe with cowardice. but i did not manifest these choices, someone far wiser and greater than myself has laid before me an opportunity to grow, to learn, to love, to eat, to laugh, to fuck, to live. and if me in all my shortsighted genius were the one manifesting this tale, it would be bleak, for i am only able to see so much.... thank god i have faith. faith in the awesomeness of the path maker, that i be afforded the ability to choose between so many a frenzied dilemma. because me bein the boss doesnt work, sometimes like all people i cant see the forest for the trees, but boy am i glad that theres someone out there in the big wide open making sure i stay in check....making sure im jolted back to reality when i need it, and thank god making sure i can stand far back enough to see the forest; its beautiful that forest.... and i would have missed it all staring at this one tree had i not been so lucky. i dont always get exactly what i think i want, but then again, if i did, my life would probably suck ;)

Never Make A Dr's Appt For Friday The 13th!!!

Ok kids, sooo i went to the doctors yesterday. It was a truly hellish ordeal. my appt was scheduled for 11, i didnt get seen untill noon. once is that super awesome room wearing my paper dress freezing in the blasting air conditioning, i was informed that i would not be receiving the services i had made said appt for. so after a wordy debate with the head bitch practitioner she finally agreed that since i wouldnt shut up shed go ahead and preform the services i requested which included a breast exam. so the head twat left my room and the other broad began to examine my lady bits. my nether region shone through with flying colors... then came the upper body feel me up... she must have been new. maybe she hadnt yet received her sensitivity training. maybe she was just an awful liar. i asked her what was wrong. she had no answer. she quickly rushed out of the room to grab head bitchtitioner again, said bitch promptly moved to the left side of the table and began feelin me up with the sternest of expressions on her face. it was amazing and almost laughable how she was magically transformed from royal cunt to the sweetest woman in the world as she told me about the lump that they had found. she kindly and politely explained that i would have to have further testing... it blows me away how quickly attitudes change under the appropriate circumstances. i guess the whole point of this overly detailed rant is that you really should watch what you say and how you say it. you never know how much shit the person your acting like an ass to already has on their plate, or how much theyre about to have..... we learned this shit in kindergarten right? treat others as you wish to be treated.... im gonna work on that. ill keep anyone who cares posted about my tits. <3

life, love, and astounding disappointment.

I am 25 years old. When i was younger i thought that by 25 i would be happily married with a few puppies or that i would be a famous singer... obviously the later is not the case. sadly nor is the first. i hold few truths in life to be finite. but those that a do cherish i believe to be necessary to ones own happiness. to my own happiness. i believe that honesty is usually the best policy, but when a lie can save someone from undue pain that it is our duty to tell it. i believe in love at first sight. that you can meet someone and know the content of their character in an instant. that your souls can intertwine and dance with utter jubilation in an instant, and that if you keep your heart open and yourself willing that this person can be yours for a lifetime and you theirs. i believe that family is not determined by blood or legality, but by love. people exist who will understand, support and take care of you better than any blood relative may be able. blood may be thick, but water can move mountains. i believe that dogs are the closest thing to enlightenment you will find on this planet. they are pure, simple and beautiful in every sense of the word. i believe that hate is death. hate is only a secondary analyzation of love fueled by disappointment in another. i believe that repression of ones self causes cancer. honor your desires. allow them to breath. if it is unhealthy to do so, then find their root and dissolve them, do not simply stuff them away. I am 25 years old. i have lived with hippies in the redwood forest. i have lounged upon multi-million dollar properties on the beach. i have been drunk, been high, been in love one too many times, and one too few. i have been homeless. i have owned a home. i have given food to hungry men. saved a life. given birth, i have made love to a beautiful man. i kissed a girl and i liked it. ive told horrible, cheesy jokes. ive laughed until there was no sound escaping my lips and my ribs ached. ive spoken out for what i believe in. ive screamed so long and so hard that my throat bled. i have danced. i have sung. i have cried. i have felt the agony of a broken heart, and the joy brought back to it by a hot guy telling me im beautiful. i have been thin, i have been fat. i have listened. i have put aside my own selfish wants for the betterment of someone elses life. i have fought. i have waged war against the darkness of my own mind, and tried to help others do the same. i believe that you can have not a dime, but if you are with those that make your brain tingle and your stomach fuzzy then you will be richer than any billionaire i am long winded, well spoken, and i curse like a sailor. i have tattoos. i am 25 years old today, and though i am not where i thought i would be, i am contented in one simple notion... i have lived.